our past was here but our future was somewhere else...

- oh by the way I threw the cake away

- WHAT. WHY

- you didn't see it like I did. In the fridge, it was... fungating - no not just fungating... festering. it was evolving, gaining sentience. It was planning to send Arnold Schwartzenegger back in time to kill us

- ... do you mean like modern day Arnold Schwartzenegger or like 1990s Schwartzenegger? Because I think I could probably take on modern day Schwartzenegger

- you think you could beat the kindergarten cop?

- *raises eyebrows* you think I can't? *flexes biceps*

how to love the ones who are hurting you

But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves.

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"And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

yeast of the pharisees

But Jesus said to him, "Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?" 

- Luke 22:48

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the things we do to betray Jesus can look a lot like loving him


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I tend to compare myself with people - look at other people's goodness and -- and -- "am I better or worse? And where does that put me with God?" And of course it doesn't put me anywhere with God

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But he answered his father, "Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this, your son, came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him."

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I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate evil men, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false; and you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.

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the danger of trying to earn God's forgiveness


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how much i need the cross and how often i pretend /fool myself into believing that i don't

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When I survey the wondrous cross 
On which the Prince of glory died, 
My richest gain I count but loss, 
And pour contempt on all my pride. 

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast, 
Save in the death of Christ my God! 
All the vain things that charm me most, 
I sacrifice them to His blood.

i have traversed many kinds of health

this past week alone i have diagnosed myself with
1. cyclothymia
2. frontotemporal dementia
3. narcissistic personality disorder
4. hypochondriasis

MAST Diary Week 1

Old Age Psychiatry:


Date:                      Tasks Performed:                                Reflections

10/3/16                   Made some tea                                   Not bad
11/3/16                   Made some tea                                    Better
12/3/16                   Made some tea                                   Better
13/3/16                   Made some coffee                              More milk next time

future

But I don't want things to change, she says, sobbing.
The torn linoleum listens patiently, places a kind hand upon her shoulder. Her petulant crescendo gives way to a whimper, her voice thin with disbelief. The washing machine whirs and hums in the background, uncomfortably shifting its weight and averting its gaze.

She stares blankly ahead and squeaks,
I don't want things to change.

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Do you remember? When we were happy? When our days were filled with laughter and good company? Here is what I have learned - you only know it's perfect once it's passed.

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My heart feels like bursting, to be reminded of the past 5 years and the joy you never noticed because you were too busy being joyful. Such a bittersweet feeling, to see these smiling faces and know that you are inexorably hurtling towards a reality that precludes any possibility of continuing to enjoy the warmth and genuine companionship that you've grown so used to. To be reminded of a treasure you cannot take with you. To leave behind old friends is to catch a glimpse of a bright and wonderful future that can never happen. I'm certainly not ready to say goodbye yet - I need more time. At least a year more. An intermission of 365 days to reflect - to pause and properly cherish and appreciate what the past 5 years have meant to me. If you're not careful, the future has a way of creeping up on you - before you know it, it's in front of you, and the past is already a blimp on the horizon behind you, receding at an ever increasing rate, out of reach and you're left with a handful of parting words and sentiments, which you stash hastily into your pockets or drawer because while you were busy looking at the disappearing past, the present had arrived and unfortunately appears to be quite difficult and will probably require a fair amount of discipline and attention to manage. The older I get, the more conscious and deliberate I have to be about appreciating the good things in my life. Otherwise I am in danger of finding myself forty years old, turning around and scratching my chin wondering why I am still not yet happy.

Blessed beyond measure - that is what I have been. I feel so incredibly thankful - sometimes it gets too much and I feel the urge to stop whatever I'm doing and watch as the present inexorably recedes into the past and wish desperately I could capture or crystallise each present moment and carry it with me. I have never felt so strong a desire to stop time as I have these past few days.

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There are moments in your life that make you pause and take stock of your surroundings, and reflect on all of the events and accidents and happenings that have gotten you to where you are now. And if you really stop to think about it, I am always amazed and surprised at how little of it I could have predicted or planned, and at the same time how I cannot now imagine it any other way. All of a sudden these moments which seemed ordinary, when you lay them out together like a mosaic, side by side, it's clear to see that they are all part of a larger picture, a tapestry.

When I get in a certain mood, I look back and can only see my faults. My shortcomings. Wasted opportunities and days spent half-asleep. But occasionally, I am reminded of the good, of precious moments, ones that give life meaning and worth. Life-affirming experiences and other things that sound cliche, that we somehow so easily forget or take for granted. And then I realise how blind I have been, now that laid before me is the irrefutable proof, that the past 5 years have not always been easy, but they have been worth it. That my life is fuller and richer not in spite of the storms and difficulties but because of them. It is so easy to lose sight of that.

Maybe it's called growing sentimental, but when I look back on the last 5 years, and then ahead into the inscrutable future, I cannot help but get misty eyed and lapse into reverie. And I feel a tug deep inside, and I am convinced that this is joy: contentment laced with heartache, youth and loss, reunion at a funeral, a sweet and soulful affliction, the fact that you have loved something so much that its absence agglomerates into this strange admixture of pain and gratitude; a locket with chains; a kind of keepsake.

return with all your heart

"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' 

"But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' 

- Luke 18:10-13

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It is day 7 of my fast and I am finding it harder and harder to think of anything other than my appetite. I have not been keeping up with my devotions. I have not heard the living word through the scriptures, I have not drawn any strength or wisdom from it, I have not felt my strength being renewed or my hunger sated the way I did when I first began fasting.

Today all I could think of was my own hunger. My mind was preoccupied with counting down the hours till 6 o'clock. I was not kind to people. All I could think of was my own survival. Only later, when I had a minute in the shower to reflect on how the day had gone did I realise that I spent the whole day selfishly focussed on myself. I was not compassionate to those in need. I deflected difficult questions and manoeuvred around other people's distress. I was not a good Christian today. And that's because I haven't been preparing my heart these past few days. Because lectures start at 9am or 10am, I wake up 30 minutes beforehand and rush to the shower and stumble down the stairs while trying to get my socks on and dash out the door, still half awake. Then throughout the talks I'm half trying to concentrate on gathering useful information, and trying to do Nicky Gumbel's bible in one year plan on my iphone. As if scrolling through and reading the words on the screen to the end is all that's required of a healthy spiritual journey.

Today in the shower I realise what I've done again. I've uncoupled the act from the intention. I've become focused on the ritual instead of the Holy Spirit. "Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." - Mark 7:13. It's not about what you bring to the altar, but the attitude -- the heart that you offer it with. "A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart." - Proverbs 21:2. I've been so focused on the details, following the rules that I end up being unable to see the forest for the trees. The truth is that it's completely possible to keep your fast and pray (or at least con yourself into thinking you're praying) 3 or 4 times a day and do all the outward things associated with holiness and yet still be miles away from a healthy relationship with God. And to be constantly judging other people. And to be ungrateful and proud and full of contempt and empty of genuine compassion for others.

I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. Today Victoria was asking, and I tried to explain. I did a very poor job of it. I told her, 'There are two kinds of a fast. One is about discipline, training yourself. The other is when you ask for something - to show that you are serious about your request.' But 'serious' is the wrong word. It should be 'sincere.' In the old testament, whenever people fast it is an act of repentance. Either that or an act of mourning. It's about returning to God. It's not supposed to be a public statement, or open display of piety. It's meant to be a private and personal act of humility. "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full." - Matthew 6:16.

Every so often I catch myself thinking, 'I have kept my fast so far - now God will have to grant my request.' Which is not only absurd but also betrays what an incredibly arrogant and disrespectful spirit. Thinking that a fast is a way of making God obligated to answer your prayer is like thinking an apology is a golden ticket to avoid being punished for something. Thinking I can bribe God by acting holy... Fasting is meant to be an act of humbling oneself before God. Of reminding myself of my weakness and fragile flesh and how much I must rely on God to meet my needs -- and yet I somehow manage to turn it into some parade of self-admiration and platform from which to look down on others. Tonight I will repent and ask God to forgive me for letting my prayers and fasting become a form of self-justification and self-worship. I will stop the blasphemous pantomime and re-consecrate my fast. Tomorrow I will wake up at 8 o'clock and do my best to start afresh - examine my heart carefully, and pray that God will help me to be like the tax collector. To teach my heart to fear the Lord again, to open my eyes to His holiness and how badly I need His mercy on a second to second basis.

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"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments." Now return to the LORD your God, For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness And relenting of evil. 

- Joel 2:15